Setting Myself Free

Photo courtesy of Jeremiah Goodman.
Photo courtesy of Jeremiah Goodman.

 

I’ve done too many years

of being

scrunched up,

hunched over,

less than;

not feeling Worthy,

Good Enough,

Deserving.

 

Not knowing that

I

have the right

to walk the Earth

with the same confident footsteps

as others do.

 

Let me tell you,

it’s not fun.

 

This unworthiness

and lack of self-love

translated itself

into bodily terms,

informing my posture

as I tried to be smaller –

hunchedoverscrunchedup –

Not Really There…

 

endeavoring to walk

Unseen,

Unheard,

Unnoticed.

 

(For what goes unseen escapes

the often critical and always evaluating

eyes of others).

 

Tightness in my shoulders

and back –

manifestations of the

tension –

physically felt – in my efforts to

please

unpleasable others;

believing

if I just

tried

that little bit

harder

I’d unlock the door to

their approval,

recognition,

acceptance and

love.

 

(Not knowing that really

all it’s about

is approval,

recognition,

acceptance and

love for

self).

 

Sacrificing my first loyalty  – to myself –

in my mute lack of protest, as I

chose

not to have

a voice.

Letting them

say

what they would.

 

My silence

an implicit compliance

with words that

cut to the

bone.

 

My body – faithfully –

absorbing it all.

 

Well, I’m done with that now.

 

Done with

self-denigration;

making myself wrong,

(To placate others

and make them right).

 

Done with

not speaking up for

myself

and what I know to

be true.

(Even when it’s clear

that the other person is expressing

deep pools of pain and frustration –

nothing to do with

me

at all).

 

I am choosing

instead

a new way of being.

 

One that’s self-sustaining –

kinder to me,

entreats me

to put myself first.

 

The foundation of my

well-being.

 

It started by extricating myself

from detracting relationships –

the kind that only served to

sever me

from my

self.

 

And forged ahead with self-forgiveness;

accepting

the role I played;

absolving the person I was

through long and

painful years of

reckless

self-abandonment.

 

Deepened,

as I started to heal

my hurt inner child.

 

And then the process

took over

under the force

of its own momentum.

And I started to

heal

in all sorts of

unforeseen ways…

 

Asserting my right

to walk in this world

an

equal.

 

Respecting that

nobody

has the right to hurt

anyone else.

(And that includes me).

 

Accepting my responsibility in

the burden

of pain –

people only interact with us

in the ways we

allow

them to.

 

Wisening to the worth of

my softness,

kindness and compassion:

(The same qualities

that – not tempered with boundaries –

opened the doors

for people to

interact with me this way).

 

Using my breath to

release

tension when I

hunchoverscrunchup

as I walk in the world.

 

And as the healing

deepened,

took roots;

a beautiful flower

blossomed inside and

 

I noticed…

 

the miracle that I am.

 

Recognized:

 

all I have been,

all I have done –

already! –

in this lifetime.

 

Learned to love myself

and what that really means:

something as simple and profound as putting

my own greatest good first.

 

(Even when that means

disappointing others.

 

Accepting that that’s to do with them.

Nothing to do with me

at all).

 

It’s been a time of quietness,

solitude,

as I gifted myself the

time and space needed

to excavate

the deepest

darkest

recesses of self;

 

bringing them to the light.

 

I’ve been resting underground

like a cicada –

though not nearly as long –

as I’ve learned

to love,

to nurture,

to value

my

truth;

 

to love,

to nurture,

to value

my

self

 

just as

I am.

 

Only allowing

into my kingdom

those who supported,

sustained my growth.

 

Now I’m stretching my wings,

(Yes, now I have wings, where before there were only stumps!)

Making ventures

into the world –

exploring

this new way of being.

 

Committing

to be honestly

authentically

me.

 

(Whether others like it

or

not).

 

To say what I really think and feel –

not hide behind

walls of convention.

 

To find the strength to

speak up (with

compassion)

when conflict occurs,

not silently cry

inside.

 

Practicing self-awareness,

catching myself

when I

slip,

revisit

old patterns.

 

Honoring myself and honoring others –

for in acknowledging the

sacredness of self

I must accept the

sacredness of all, and, with that

everyone’s

right to their own path.

 

As I walk in the world

I wonder

how will I respond,

how will I hold myself,

when I cross paths with

words of blame and shame;

come face to face with those who –

whether consciously or not –

try to tear me

down

with their words…

 

I hope I will no longer give them permission.

 

That their words

will reflect off the deep well of

self

I’ve been nurturing;

unable to penetrate

my depths.

 

Minute ripples

on the surface that

soon disperse.

 

I hope that

I will bless them silently and move

gracefully on.

 

Knowing they’ve crossed my path for

a reason,

but that doesn’t mean I have to walk with them

hand in hand.

 

Knowing I have the choice.

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4 thoughts on “Setting Myself Free”

    1. A creed/oath to myself, I like it! Yes, I am making the choice to honor myself and the desires of my soul, and to feel into what my soul tells me is right for me and what it tells me is not. And, of course, I still sometimes forget and get caught up in old patterns – but as surely as night follows day action follows intention I do believe. I really do thank you for your comments, they are a great encouragement to me.

      Liked by 1 person

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